All by myself.
Isolation is a hard step in the journey of becoming, and it’s also my favorite. While being stripped of things I thought belonged in my life crushed me, I saw the oil it was producing.
Disclaimer: I do not believe a life of isolation is healthy nor am I encouraging you to retract from your community. I believe we are ultimately supposed to live a life of fellowship to love and serve others. We’ll get to the “inclusion” blog in just a moment. However, I do believe that a moment of isolation can give us more clarity on who we are and what we desire. It gives us the opportunity to quiet any external noise and go within to get what we need to walk in the world with purpose and intention. Now, let me tell you how I did it all wrong.
When I think about all of the times I had to make decisions, especially early on in my life, I asked the opinion of everyone around me. What my strengths were, what the market suggested, how I can make the most money. Truth is, I trusted people’s observations of me and perceptions of the world, more than my own. Let me go even deeper. I cared more about people’s opinion of me than my own desires and aspirations. I vividly remember having a thought , “if I choose this career path, I’ll be outcast by my inner circle.” It wasn’t until I moved for a job in my late twenties that I started doing some intentional reflection on what I wanted (rather, what God was telling me) vs. what other people wanted for me.
I was based in New Hampshire and didn’t know a soul. And this was like deep New Hampshire. The part that’s not supposed to be inhabited (in my opinion). The part where animal control put tracking devices on bears so they could alert the community if a bear was near your neighborhood. I spent my 29th birthday digging my car out of 35 inches of snow. My neighbors were skiing in the parking lot because the snowfall made it hard to walk around. They kept telling me to “get some skis so I can get around”. What? I’d never seen anyone use a pair of skis for practical purposes. These folks were literally skiing to work. But, I digress.
This new mountainous world threw me into a deep state of reflection. First question being, “What the heck am I doing here?”. I started digging deeper. I said “yes” to activities that I had never even thought of doing, like hiking a 4,000+ ft mountain in -2 degree weather (not including wind chill). I had conversations with people that couldn’t be more opposite of me and went to places that I had only read about or seen in movies. My daily routine looked so different from the past because I was the main character for most of my day. Come to think of it, I was the main character, supporting actress, director, and producer. AKA, I was alone. I had never spent this much time with myself. And the more I did, the more I realized who I was. I could separate the thoughts and desires that were planted by others vs. the dreams and goals that naturally came to mind when I was alone with God. And then I had a breakthrough. I realized I was giving people the permission to have such a strong opinion about me that my God-given desires were oppressed. And it was no fault to them. These are people that loved me dearly and meant absolutely no harm, but the impact of my desire to please people coupled with their passions for me turned me into a puppet for the world.
Friends, family, society, your social media timeline, (whoever “they” are for you) all have this picture in mind of who you are and what you’re supposed to do in this world. And if you’re a (recovering) people pleaser like me, you don’t want to let them down. You want to live up to, and even exceed, their expectations with this idea of keeping their happiness in mind. But at the same time, you are consequently quieting the deeper voice inside of you that can direct you to a path of purpose and satisfaction. The deeper voice that I believe to be the Holy Spirit.
Now, I’m not saying don’t listen to loved ones, mentors, coaches and people that have wisdom to share - I think there is power in community and listening, especially to those that have walked these paths before you. All I’m saying is that there is an order to it. If you haven’t first spent time with yourself seeking truth before you start asking the opinions of others, you may be accidentally swayed into a path of unfulfillment only because you weren’t rooted in your own why and God’s will for your life.
Let me be clear.. I’m not asking you to move to the Himalayas for some much needed “me time”. But I am asking you to be more intentional throughout your day about sitting with God – away from people, work, and familiar places. And just listen.
With Love,
Elle Bee
